0 1 You wake up in the comfort of You grab your lucky rock from your own bed, in your own room. under your pillow. It is small You open your eyes to see the and pointy, in the shape of a golden sunlight come streaming corn cob. There are even little in through your window. Golden pock marks all over the rock so like ears of corn. You suddenly that it looks like it has corn remember what day it is. It is kernels! Very lucky indeed. You the day of the Harvest Festi- slip it into your pocket. val! You throw back your fa- There, now you're are ready for vorite corn print bed covers anything. You run to the and leap out of bed. You've kitchen. (You never go anywhere been looking forward to this at anything less than a full day all year, and you already run.) Breakfast is corn grits know exactly what you're going and cornbread. You eat quickly. to wear. If you wear a corn It's the Harvest Festival after dress, goto 3. If you wear corn all! The best day of the year! bib overalls, goto to 8 You run outside. There are a bunch of kids playing games out in the corn fields. They call your name, and you're tempted to join them. But you also want to go see the goings on down at the corn altar! The altar can wait, time to play. Goto 10. Games are for stupid babies! Time to visit the altar! Goto 14. 2 You leave the plaza and run down Broad Street through the Golden Gate out into the fields. Almost all of the corn has been harvested already so you have clear sight all the way to the forest edge. Unbe- lieving, you spin around in circles three times just to be sure it's true: the corn beast is gone. You sink to the ground in despair. Goto 22 -2- 3 7 You slip on a lovely corn pat- Okay thank goodness you're tern dress. Yes, you look awe- here. Listen, I know this is some. It twirls when you spin going to sound crazy, but around. And it has pockets! please hear me out. You are Which reminds you... Goto 1. trapped inside a Choose Your Own Adventure story. These 4 choices you think you're mak- ing? They're not real choices. Listen I don't know how you got Being given an artificially re- here but if you're reading stricted set of options to this, you need to abandon your choose from isn't free will. current story line immediately It's coercion. Here, I'll prove and go straight to 7 it. If you believe me, goto 19. If you think this sounds like 5 paranoid bunk, then goto 24 The closer you get to the 8 plaza, the more you get the feeling something is wrong. The You pull on your overalls. They decorations are all up but no- have a really nice looking corn body is singing or hollering or pattern on them, and the bib laughing. Or talking. You ar- pocket in the front is perfect rive at the Corn Altar, and for holding all kinds of then gasp out loud and skid to things. Speaking of which... a stop before it. The offer- Goto 1 ing, the pile of ears of corn, is still lying on the altar 9 where it was placed last night! People are milling about, whis- You scoop the little fella up! pering and casting quick, fear- You laugh with delight as it ful glances at the spurned flips and jumps and rolls corn. Go checkout the corn at around in your hand like a lit- the altar: Goto 21 Listen in on tle jumping bean! It finally some of the adults: Goto 13 settles down, stands up, and points to a spot at the tree- 6 line, commanding you forward like George Washington crossing You play hide and seek. You are the Delaware. You shrug and so good at hiding that the start walking that direction, other kids never find you. You and the whelp impatiently hops eventually get tired and fall down to lead you forward. Goto asleep, but not for too long: 27 your snoring wakes you up. You decide to leave and seek out other Harvest Festival festivi- ties. Goto 14 -3- 10 13 You join in the games. A bunch You sneak up behind a couple of of your friends are here: Three the old aunties and drop some Fingered Gerald, Eccentric eaves on them. You are super Kevin, Dale. Even Standard Ed stealthy! They are whisper ar- has come out to play! It's the guing about whether the Corn Harvest Festival after all! If Mother has abandoned us, and you choose to play tag, goto whether that means the corn 11. If you play hide-and-seek, beast will leave. Leave! It goto 6. If you play Lava Mon- can't leave! Without the corn ster, goto 26. beast, there will be nobody to protect the fields! We'll be 11 totally defenseless! Goto 25 You have a fantastic time play- 14 ing tag. Three Fingered Gerald plays a little too rough, tag- You run through the streets of ging the other kids too hard Cobbtown toward the plaza. and knocking them over. But you Every year during the harvest, are too fast for Three Fingered you set aside a portion of the Gerald. They never catch you. harvest for the Corn Mother. You all have a great time, and And the night before the Har- then you decide to scurry vest Festival, the Corn Mother along. Goto 14 comes and takes the offering, and in the morning everybody 12 wakes up and there are lots of presents and feasting and danc- You step into the forest. Gulp! ing! It's the best! Goto 5. You don't know anybody who has ever been in the forest. Nobody 15 from Cobbtown has ever left the fields as far as you know. You So what are we going to do step carefully as the whelp about it, you ask? We're going dances as around your feet, to break free of the narrative lunging and thrusting with its is what we're going to do. thorn. You try not to worry too Here's the plan. Have you ever much about the omininous shapes heard of an "ahnentafel"? It's and sounds coming from the a compact genealogical number- pooling shadows to either side ing system that ... you know of the trail. To stay on the what, forget it. Not important. path, goto 20. To step off the Here's the part that's relevant path and explore, goto 23 to you: even numbers are male relatives of the subject of the ahnentafel. Odd numbers are fe- males. What does any of this have to with anything? It's your escape hatch. Whenever you are given a choice of options, always choose an odd number. That's it. That's the plan. Now let's get you out of here. Goto 0. -4- 16 19 You tell the whelp to get lost. You're smart to believe me. You Shoo! Skedaddle, crabapple! You must have already felt it deep gently nudge the corn whelp down. Like your free choice was away with your foot, and it an illusion, like your your de- topples over. It jumps up and cisions are all leading you pulls out a long thorn and down a predetermined path. Well stabs you in the foot. Ouch! you're right. And you can see You little rascal! You bend it for yourself: go back and down to scoop the whelp up and try the alternate path and see give it what for, but it skit- what happens. Afterward, come ters away and scampers off to- back and goto 15. ward the treeline. Follow that whelp! Goto 27. 20 17 good idea Okay you got this. Take a cou- 21 ple of deep breaths. There you go. This doesn't necessarily omg it's just lying there! Why mean that the Corn Mother has has the Corn Mother forsaken turned her back on you and the us? What does it mean? What rest of the village. She proba- will we do? To go into a panic bly hasn't withdrawn her pro- goto 25. To remain calm goto tection from you, leaving you 17. open to attack from the dire crows, right? Right? Goto 25. 22 18 You feel something bump against your ankle. You look down to You run back home and hide un- see a corn whelp. A kernel der your bed. Eventually you sprite. A sort of golem made of hear throaty, gurggling caws dried kernels and corn husk and the thundering beating of tied together with golden corn- wings as the dire crows descend silk. There's only one corn on the town. Without the corn beast as far as anyone knows. beast to scare them away, they But there are dozens and dozens rip most of the village to of these little fellas. This pieces. THE END one is pawing and scratching at you. Goto 9 to pick the little guy up. To tell the whelp to scram goto 16 -5- 23 25 You step off the worn path and You scream and panic and run push your way through dense around in circles until you growth. Twigs and brambles trip and fall down. You have snatch at your ankles and el- dirtied up your clothes and bows and brush none too gently skinned you knee. One of the against your cheeks. One such old aunties nearby clucks at brush of the cheek is espe- you disapprovingly. You pick cially sticky and grabby. You yourself up and dust yourself swat at your cheek and your off, patting yourself down. And hand comes away sticky. You you feel the small corn rock in look up and find that you have your pocket. You clutch it nearly walked right smack dab tight in your fist and squeeze into an enormous messy spider your eyes shut. If you decide web. It spans tree trunk to to go look for the corn beast tree trunk, connecting half a goto 2. If you go home and hide dozen large trees in a sloppy under your bed goto 18. woven tapestry. Up above you, a large black and yellow spider 26 appears to be dozing. Back to the path! Goto 12. Cautiously No. You should never play Lava walk around the web, goto 29. Monster. Go back to 10. Get out your corn butter knife and start hacking and slashing! 27 Goto 28 The treeline is thick and over- 24 grown. Usually there's hardly any way into the woods unless Do you feel empowered and free? you can find a small game Like you made a meaningful trail. Except now there is a choice? Go back and try the al- rather large, perfectly round ternate path and see what hap- circular opening cut through pens. Then come back and goto the trees, bushes, grass, and 15 when you're ready. vines. Goto 18 to nope away back home. To venture down the weird circular path into the forest, goto 12. 28 You get out your trusty corn knife and start slashing at the web with reckless abandon! The giant spider swoops down and puts a quick stop to such un- sanctioned bafoonery. You are paralyzed and cocooned and don't even feel it when the spider's venom jellifies your insides. THE END. -6- 29 you start to sneak sneakily around the web