“SHOE SHINE!” Bellows Tea, with a full bodied laugh!

With a well practiced move, faster than one would think giant like Tea could move, Tea removes an object from their satchel.

…at first glance it appears to be a flail without a handle, but is actually a spare pair of giant boots, held by their laces.

“These could indeed use a good shining.”

The boot are spectacularly large, probably a 1/2 size too large, in all honest, for even Tea’s feet.

The boots have gold eyelets.

Earrings greedily snatches the boots and start washing, drying, and polishing them to a shine. Waistcoat eagerly tugs on Tea’s wrist and guides him to the comfy chair, which is decidedly too small for his bulky frame. Teeth graciously offers him a wedge of cheese.

Depending on how observant Tea is, he may or may not notice that the boots are returned to him with 1 - 3 fewer eyelets.

Bending down, Inky sniffs the bottles carefully, mumbling, “Creosote, shellac, hopweed … ou, wild cherry liquorice.” Then, a little louder to one of the blahoblins, though it came out not much more than a squeak, “Might I ask from where did you get these?”

“Shoe Polish! We Make! Roots and ash!” shouts Waistcoat. They seem to only have the one volume.

“Beeswax!” yells Earrings.

“Resin!” cries Teeth.

“SHOE SHIIINE!” they all cry in unison.

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Psst, Inky, can you poke your head into the vault, see if you can spot any crystals. Also, can you tell what kind of gold’s in there? Maybe it’s worth something to nab a piece of two for ourselves, you know, since we’re so good at vault cracking.

While you do that I’m going to take a closer look at this sword, it’s giving me heeby jeebies.

I cast a spell on the sword to identify its physical, magical, and metaphysical properties

“Strange sword, I command thee to divulge your secrets! All that you are of, exist in, and imbue from shall be wrought in words of sorcercy so that the world my see clear what you are!” I chant as I invoke ancient runes with my wand.

Corraidhín commands the sword commandingly. But the sword just rolls its eye and looks at him exasperatedly.

Hmm. Yes, no mouth. Well then.

Corraidhín draws on his mastery of Arcane Lore, and sifts through all the knowledge he has filed away on magical swords. There are so many books on magic swords!

While at first you guessed that it may merely be a common Look Sword, you have since revised your initial assessment. Look Swords are minor magical items, and are not quite as sentient as this particular blade appears to be.

No this must be something a little more special.

It’s hard to tell from here–the water is not perfectly clear–but the pattern on the hilt is kind swirly and whirly. Probably a Sword of Omens.

Unless…

No, it’s so unlikely.

And yet.

If the pattern on the hilt turns out to be more whirly than swirly, then it probably is indeed a Sword of Omens.

But on the other hand, if it is more swirly than whirly, it’s possible that this may be then legendary Sword of J’Son.

If only you could get a closer look…

Inky nods and peeks inside the vault, while keeping an ear open for any sounds coming from the tunnel where the guard kobit is currently sleeping soundly. Small mountains of ancient gold, some as coins and some in nuggets of various shapes and sizes, filled most of the cavern floor. In one corner were a few chests overflowing with rubies and emeralds, with the occasional amethyst and tiny pink diamonds. Whoever had this vault set up has amassed a nice hoard!

Inky whispered back, “Some good old gold! There are also little crystals in one of the chests, but I can’t tell if any of them is a Ginnarak.”

Inky hears the drunken cowboy Kobit guard snoring gently. It whistles adorably a little bit at the top of each exhale.

You peek inside the vault just in time to see the lone Kobit guard that went inside to check on the vault. It yelps and trips over its own feet.

Its shoes were untied.

There are indeed piles of gold, gems, and crystals. Chests full of precious stones. A few suits of armor. For some reason, a giant clam, mouth open to reveal a giant pearl.

And in the center of it all, atop a stone pedestal, beneath a dome of glass, is the blue and gold Ginnarak Crystal. It is the size of a melon, and kind of shaped like one. A lumpy, multi-faceted blue and gold melon.

Flitting around the pedestal are a couple of Aurs. Giant ears with bat wings. Very keen hearing obviously. Usually more of an annoyance than a true deterrent. Unless there’s a Centaur around. Nasty things those. A hundred ears with a hundred wings. The size of a small horse. They can really ruin your day. Luckily you don’t see one around.

Finally, curled up on the ground at the base of the pedestal, hugging a mound of gold coins like a body pillow, is a nude Kobit, sound asleep. It stretches briefly in its sleep and when it does, you are astonished to see that it has large leathery wings.

WHAT DO YOU DO

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Suddenly three anthropomorphic gophers come crashing through the trees behind you into the dig site. The first is wearing a sash of many pockets. The second is wearing cargo shorts of many pockets. The third is wearing a vest of many pockets. Each wears a pair of goggles with thick smokey black lenses, and a floppy checkered hat that looks like a waffle.

They march up to the zip-line.

“Out of the way, losers!” Sash cries. It grabs the zip-line trolley, and immediately dives off the side of the cliff and zooms down into the deep, deep hole.

Vest introduces itself, “Retrieval Team 70 here! We are here to recover the Ginnarak Crystal that is reported to be at this location. After we collect all five, then it will be us who get to hang out in the Benefactor’s hot tub! Not you! Ha!”

Sash has reached the bottom of the deep, deep hole. Shorts starts reeling in the pulley.

Vest leans in close and peers at you through its foggy lenses. “You must be the new Retrieval Team 43. Hmmph. Shame what happened to the previous Team 43. Hope you know what you’re doing! Would hate to see you end up like them!”

Shorts grabs the trolley and leaps down into the deep, deep hole. It sails all the way down, and joins Sash at the bottom.

“Welp!” Vest concludes with an air of finality. “No hard feelings, and all that! After we collect this crystal, we just need four more. And then we get to meet the Benefactor! Ha!”

It waddles off and starts reeling in the trolley.

Meanwhile, another gnome explodes behind you.

WHAT DO YOU DO

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Blavin provides you with a multibeast for your excursion. “Courtesy of the Benefactor!” You pack it up with food and supplies, and trek into the Tammineaux Forest in search of the first Ginnarak Crystal.

The forest is lush, thick, and green. You have to hack your way through the vines and the brush. There are stinging insects, squawking birds, and dangerous forest creatures a plenty. It is hot and sticky.

How will you ever find your way through this wilderness to the dig site?

“Shouldn’t be too hard,” you remember Blavin saying back at Lucy’s, gesturing carelessly and sloshing a little bit of his fourth drink. “They’re gnomes, after all! Just follow the sound of explosions and screaming.”

Sure enough, before long you hear a mechanical droning and some blasting up ahead, punctuated now and then by high pitched screams, and you guide the multibeast in that direction.

Suddenly you are ambushed by a troop of blahoblins! Awful looking things. Taut rubbery gray skin. Long flat noses stick out way far from their faces. And so do their protruding, lipless mouths full of sharp pointy teeth. You didn’t hear them over the noise of the shrieking parrots and, in the distance, the shrieking gnomes.

“SHOE SHINE!!” the first one yells. It is wearing a gold ring on each finger (minus the three fingers it is missing), two in each ear, and one in its nose. It is dragging a vat of black polish nearly as tall as it is.

“SHOE SHINE!!” a second one agrees. It is wearing a nice waistcoat with large gaudy buttons, and a nice looking pocket watch on a gold chain. It is dragging a comfy looking chair stuffed with bits of fluff and leaves and fur.

A third one screams, “SHOE SHINE SHOE SHINE!” It has several gold teeth and carries a huge block of cheese secured to its back with long loops of hempen rope.

The fourth and final one is wearing what looks like freshly painted red shoes and is carrying a lit torch. “SHOE SHIIIIINE!” it screams. It is wearing a gold medallion on a gold necklace.

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Inky peers down at the hole, and after some time, turns to the party. “Do you think they’ve cleared most of the gnomes by now, or should we wait until they emerge and grab the crystal then?” Gazing at some invisible spot farther among the trees, Inky continued, “One of the old miners back at the tavern said there used to be a natural maw on the southwestern side, but it was blocked when the tunnel caved in many years ago. The gnomes don’t waste their efforts on blowing up things knowing someone’s already been through them. Chances are there’s only one exit, unless this mine is a decoy.”

Inky peers down the hole and watches Retrieval Team 70 approach the kobit caves.

The maw on the southwestern side did indeed collapse several seasons ago. If you know anything about the industrial and intrepid kobits however, it is that they have probably dug several alternative, secret entrances since then.

Just as the gophers reach the cave entrance, a large erge, muscles rippling beneath its white feathers, emerges from behind a boulder and blocks their way forward.

It raises the feathery crest on the crown of its head, and fluffs up its plumage in a dramatic display. It appears to be arguing with the gophers. All three gophers appear to be arguing back.

The egre gestures angrily at the gophers’ feet, shakes its head, and crosses its arms defiantly. The gophers look down at their own feet and shuffle about as though embarrassed.

They all exchange a few more words and then the gophers retreat away from the egre and the cave entrance. They huddle together briefly and then start slowly climbing the scaffolding back up to the top of the hole.

“Oh yeah,” the foreman remarks absentmindedly. “There’s an egre guarding the kobit caves.”

The egre below preens and struts about proudly having chased off the gophers.

“Stubborn things,” the foreman continues. “Easily provoked to violence. Impeccable fashion sense though.”

WHAT DO YOU DO

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This might be a good time to introduce the game mechanic.

For the most part, if you say you do something, it just happens.

But if you want to do something risky, and/or if the outcome is uncertain, you can roll a number of six-sided dice.

I’d like to try using the Shoes in the Dark rules:

https://dozens.itch.io/shoes-in-the-dark

Basically, everybody currently has the skill “Do Anything 1”, which means if you want to ‘do anything’, you can roll 1 die.

On a 1 - 3, things go poorly. (And you gain 1 experience point. More on that in a bit.)

On a 4 - 5, you do the thing, but at a cost, or with a complication, or it’s just a partial success.

On a 6, full success!! Yay, you!!

(When rolling multiple dice, you read the single highest roll.)

Here’s where stuff gets fun. If you roll all sixes (so, 1 six on a 1d6 roll, 2 sixes on a 2d6 roll, etc.) then you ‘level up’ and get a new skill. The new skill A) is a subset of the skill/action you just performed and, B) increases that skill by one.

e.g. I challenge a mugwump to a pie eating contest and roll Do Anything 1. I roll a six, so I win the contest! And also I gain a new skill, Belly Of Steel 2.

Finally, every time you fail a roll (by rolling 1 - 3) you gain 1 experience point. You can spend 1 experience at any time to turn any one die into a six for the purposes of advancement.

SO WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN???

When you interact with the blahoblins, consider whether there is an element of risk. If so, roll the appropriate amount of dice (1, in this case) and include the result in your description. If it’s a success, describe the success. If it’s a partial success or a failure, just describe what you do, and I’ll describe the complication, or how things get worse.

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Inky smiles at Corey. “Hullo! We’re the waterworks crew from the neaby town, here to check the outhouse tunnels, inspect all the pipes and so on. We received reports of a blockage somewhere inside the networks. Have the tunnels been flushing well lately?” While speaking, Inky flashes a waterworker’s ID briefly at the kobit before pocketing it and pulling out a pressure gauge, giving the little handle on one side of the device a few cranks, and looking back at Corey expectantly.

Corey slowly blinks its eyes. “Inspektor?”

ASIDE: I rolled for Inky and rolled a six, which according to the rules means GREAT SUCCESS, and also Inky gets to Level Up: they gain the skill Persuasive 2.

“Of course! Inspektors! Yes, yes, right this way! A surprise inspection, how exciting!”

Corey continues to chatter excitedly as it leads you further into the branching, winding tunnels, pointing out particular bits of stonework and engineering, and also baubles and trinkets and fossils and artifacts that the kobits uncovered in the process of digging their tunnels.

Your tour eventually brings you into a large cavern with tunnels exactly like the one from which you just entered branching off in all directions. It makes you dizzy to think of finding your way through this labyrinth without a guide.

In the middle of the cavern is a deep pool with a fountain. At the bottom of the pool, a SWORD is thrust into the ground almost up to its hilt. A large jewel set deep in the pommel rolls around like an eye in a socket and tracks your movement around cavern. A few bubbles float up to the surface of the pool.

And set into the wall on the far side of the room is a massive stone door reinforced with thick iron bands. There is a keypad and a small printer on the wall next to it.

“….and so our tour concludes here in the central atrium!” Corey concludes excitedly. “Behind this door is the VAULT, where we keep all the valuables. Gemstones, gold, crystals, et cetera.”

“Top notch security!” Corey exclaims tapping the keypad. The printer spits out a square of paper. It reads

ed v1.16
*
?
*
?
*e door
19
*,n
1    the door is Locked
*wq

“Ha ha!” Corey shakes its head in amazement. “I have no idea how this thing works!”

The eye in the sword watches as Corey clips the small printout to its clipboard.

“Now, I trust you’ll find that everything was in tip-top order! Yes, indeed!” Corey wriggles its mustache proudly. “Now if you’ll excuse me,” it flips through the pages on its clipboard, “I am late for my next appointment. Good day!” Corey turns and walks toward one of the twisty little passageways, all alike.

WHAT DO YOU DO?

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Harrumph I say as I billow out my mustache. I know exactly what this is, I’ve seen these silly terminals at the wizarding academy. Fascinating little babbles really, not that easy to use, and I find they’re easier to melt with a well placed fireball or two, but I think I can get us past without that. Now I might need someone to cover for me if that Kobit catches onto what I’m doing, and I’ll say the weird sword is starting to creep me out a bit.

Corraidhin approaches the terminal, cracks his knuckles, and enters: 1,$p

The printer spits out a piece of paper:

The door is Locked

Corraidhin stares at the paper. Well, that’s not right, the door’s only partially closed. Preposterious thing.

That’s okay, I know how to fix this.

19 c there is no door, there never was, and never will be. Also the Kobit guard forgot to tie his shoes. . w 1,$p

The printer spits out a slip of paper.

there is no door, there never was, and never will be. Also the Kobit guard forgot to tie his shoes.

With a soft pop, the thick stone door vanishes.

The sword at the bottom of the pool widens its eye in surprise.

Nothing remains between you and the interior of the vault.

Some light from the hall spills in and glints off what appears to be a mound of gold, gems, and crystals. The rest of its contents are hidden from view unless you venture inside.

You can still hear the guard kobit in the passage, now whistling a warbling, lamentful tune. It sounds dangerously close. Best get a move on if you want to avoid a confrontation.

WHAT DO YOU DO

While the wisened scholar inspects the vault door, Inky walks a few steps from the antechamber to meet the Kobit guard, pressure gauge and tiny notebook in hand. Inky proceeds to ask them about water flow sounds in the surrounding area, water stains, signs of potential pests that could damage the pipes, and other rather boring elements pertaining to modern Basmentia burrow plumbing.

After a while, seeing as they have been conversing for some time, Inky pulls out two small bottles of chilled arrowroot beer from a waist pouch and offers one to the Kobit guard.

The big guard kobit’s eyes start to glass over as Inky goes on about water pressure and structural integrity.

But it does graciously accept a bottle arrowroot beer.

“Well, golly, don’t mind if I do!” It cracks the lid off, toasts to your health and takes a long swig.

“Aaaaaaaah! That hits the spot!”

Corraidhin absentmindedly inspects the terminal and door while Inky converses with the guard. He’s utterly distracted and talking to himself.

By the gods, it’s gone. Just like that! I thought it’d fizzle or something, but it’s gone! I wonder what else I can do with this thing.

Corraidhin wanders back to the terminal and enters another command.

19 c The wise and elderly Corraidhin is now a young and dashing rogue, with a very nice hat. .

The printer spits out a slip of paper:

?

Maybe the ed terminal only has jurisdiction over the door to the vault.

Or maybe the machine, the universe, or whatever, is telling you not to push your luck.

By now the big guard kobit, lulled by Inky’s questions and finally sedated by the alcohol, is slumped and snoring softly in the mouth of one of the twisty little passages.

You stand before the open vault under the ever watchful gaze of the sword at the bottom of the pool of water in the center of the room.

WHAT DO

RETCON!

Before Corraidhín ascended to the surface of the pool….

As Corraidhin finishes his incantation a small porro drifts down bonking him on the head. Startled corraidhin begins to move around in the pool trying to find his assailant.

“By the gods what in the world is in this pool with me!” he tugs frantically on the sword, and as he does so the porro drifts into view. “Oh wait, that..” his eyes follow the rubber hose attached to it up to the top of the pool. “Ah ha!” he exclaims immediately inhaling a mouth full of water and frantically pulling the porro from the hose with his spare hand and teeth. Corraidhin sucks greedily at the air the hose provides as he becomes acutely aware of the burning sensation in his lungs.

The porro drifts wistfully to the bottom of the pool, just out of reach. A dark liquid rises from it as it comes to rest on the bottom of the pool.

And now back to our show!

After heartily congratulating Master Corraidhín on his successful sword acquisition in hushed whispers and finishing off a cup of blackcurrant tea, Inky retrieves the porro from the bottom of the pool with a fishing pole and a few recasts. (Calling that gnarly stick with a line, bottle and hook slightly bent out of shape on one end a fishing pole would be an affont to any self-respecting fisherfolk though.) Inky rinses the pitcher and hose before stowing them away again in the bag along with the pole and other ink brewing paraphernalia.

Refreshed, Inky slips noiselessly inside the vault, edging along the wall on the farther side from the crowd now wholly enraptured by Jarrod’s grand recital. Seeing the crowd pacified and giving Jarrod a thumbs-up, Inky unfurls a long and dusty bolt of dark cloth with the words “UNDER MAINTENANCE — NO UNAUTHORISED ENTRY [by order of the Basmentaria Bureau of Sanitation]” in roughly-scrawled letters tacked onto it, and hung the ends of the cloth so it spanned and completely obscured one side of the vault.

Standing behind the makeshift inspection site, Inky proceeds to fill several sacks with gold and gems using a small shovel, before putting one of the sacks into their Hacky Duffer Discette (its capacity for large storage and small weight is a blessing in disguise for both aspiring and afflicted collectors alike).

You successfully cordon off a corner of the vault and set up a very convincing UNDER CONSTRUCTION banner. It looks straight up like a 90’s website.

You start shoving bags of treasure into your HD Discette, but it only accepts 1.44 bags before running out of space. You you leave the remaining bags for the others.

During your excavation, you find a complete set of magnificent, ornate, gold-nibbed quills, and also a small wooden rack of bottled ink.

There are a dozen small bottles all arranged in a row, each one with a different mysterious glyph, the contents all a slightly different shade. As you handle the rack, the ink sloshes around inside. It could still be good!

The fine wooden rack encloses them all and holds them in place by means of the lid, which closes securely around the bottle necks. Once you open the lid, you can easily retrieve and stow the bottles.

You also spot a fine jade teapot. A matching set of small cups—no handles, no saucers—cluster around the pot like nursing pups.

Corraidhin clambors out of the pool, magical pokey stick in hand.

Good show! He exclaims to himself and the sword. Now I can finally get a good look at this sword, though for some reason I can’t seem to let go, I guess for now I won’t lose it.

You said you wanted to do some stabbin right? Of evil things? What constitutes evil my pointy new friend?

The sword does indeed remain steadfastly glued to your hand. As you swish it around you discover that it seems to get lighter when you hold it aloft, and that it trembles and grows increasingly heavy as it descends. The sensation is almost as though it has a hollow core in which some kind of heavy liquid sloshes around. And as though its blow would be devastating.

The sword relishes being wielded and swung, and grows more and more ecstatic. Its eye darts menacingly back and forth, vanquishing imaginary enemies with each jab.

Yes! Yes, I am made for a singular purpose. To RID EVIL. To root out evil, spill its blood, and then do it again! So let's go find some evil, Bear! And then you can just stab it with me.

Oh, what constitutes evil, you ask? In my experience, evil can't help but make itself known. You'll know it when you see it.

For example, see there? That little inky fellow sneaking into that treasure room? Probably super evil. We should go investigate.

As corraidhin questions the sword he wanders towards the vault peering in to inspect Jarrod’s performance. He’s really good at that, what do you think? Actually what do I even call you? Do you like nicknames? I was thinking pointy, or stabby, but I’m open to suggestions, respect and all that.

Oh hey, the crystal! It looks like it’s unguarded! Corraidhin slinks towards the crystal muttering to his magical sword as he does.

The sword is momentarily distracted by the Aurs and Kobits. Its eye widens. It almost seems to shudder with anticipation.

EEEEEVIL! Rid. Evil. Spill. Repeat.

You are thankful that the voice seems only to be heard inside your own head.

Oh, my name? I'm sure I had one at some point. Long forgotten by now. No matter, I'm not sad about it. One has no use for a name when instead they have a singular, all-consuming purpose!

But, my last Bear called me her Bee. I quite liked that. The bee in her bonnet! Ha! Evil, fear my sting!

The sword prattles on in your head as you sneak past Jarrod’s monstrous storytime and approach the pedestal. Or is it a lectern?

You arrive unseen. The crystal is a dazzling deep blue, with pulsing gold veins. It is oddly shaped, somewhat like an egg. And it floats, rotating slowly, suspended in air beneath the glass dome that encloses it.

Drawing on your knowledge of Arcane Lore, you remember that the five Ginnarak Crystals played a key role in the Artifice Wars that once rampaged across all of Basmentaria. They are sources of tremendous power. Some say that, the five of them together, they could kill a god. You’re not sure you believe that. But they did definitely reduce the once lush and verdant island nation of Ginnarak to cinder wastes and deserts of ash. A cataclysmic event that put a resolute end to the Artifice Wars.

You look around the vault. Jarrod is reciting epic poetry and mesmerizing the monsters. Inky is pillaging and looting. You have a bloodthirsty, sentient sword in one hand; and a large arcane battery of a crystal within reach of the other.

WHAT DO YOU DO

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Inky blinks down at their pinecrab apple leather boots consideringly. “Tea’s got the fanciest footgear, but at least we aren’t sporting fetid foot fungi like stockings. Maybe we could persuade the egre to let us through? It might set us back half a day trying to find any kobit holes that aren’t just non-portable potties.”

You look down at your boots. How serendipitous that you just had them shined by the blahoblins! You feel confident in your footwear.

Corraidhín: I may have a solution to the Egre problem. I gesture grandly, as it so happens I always come prepared for a fashion show.

With a grand gesture I cast a spell to transform my robes into a stunning suit, complete with top hat, monocle, and cane

I’m certain we can convince the fine fellow to let us pass if we look the part. Or better yet, I’m almost certain I can distract him while the rest of you sneak past, I’ve been told I can be quite verbose and boisterous.

Corraidhín successfully conjures up a stunning suit, surely the envy of every dandy, fop, and gentleman in the southern continent, if not all of Basmentaria!

A nearby gnome gets flush, starts to fan herself excitedly, and then explodes dramatically.

“A splendid idea, with an equally splendid outfit to match!” Inky exclaimed. “Then, shall we proceed? Master Corraidhín, at your signal.”

You proceed down into the gnome hole.

Retrieval Team 70 glares at you from behind their smoked glass goggles as you zip line past them. They continue their slow, defeated climb up the scaffolding. Vest shakes its gopher fist at you and swears, “You haven’t seen the last of us, Retrieval Team 43!”

At the bottom, on solid ground, you approach the entrance to the kobit caves.

Standing guard at the entrance to the kobit tunnels is a massive egre, a fearsome bird beast, muscles rippling and bulging beneath its beautiful white plumage. It turns its head and regards you with one jet black eye and then the other, snapping its sharp beak in the air as it tosses its head back and forth.

It looks you up and down, and its gaze rests on your freshly polished shoes. It huffs and grunts, “Your shoes look clean.” It rests its scrutinizing gaze on Corraidhín’s garments. “And YOU look FABULOUS!” it exclaims as it tosses its head and beats it wings excitedly.

“You may enter.” It graciously steps aside with a flourish.

The smallest of you can stand upright in the kobit tunnels. The largest of you have to crawl.

Kobits are small, vaguely mammalian, vaguely reptilian bipedal cave creatures. They are scaly and furry, and live in tunnels deep in the earth. They have huge yellow eyes, and long fine whiskers on their snouts and faces, all of which help them find their way around in the dark. They also have long, thick, coarse, drooping mustaches. The overall effect is that they look like tiny, monstrous, perpetually startled cowboys.

You follow the winding tunnel down into the earth.

You come around a corner and almost bump right into a kobit. It has eyes like saucers and an awe-inspiring mustache. It wears a name tag (“Corey”) and carries a clipboard. It blinks at you in surprise and then asks, “Who are you? What are you doing in here?” Corey flips through the pages on its clipboard. “There are no upsiders scheduled to arrive today. I don’t think you’re supposed to be here!” Corey glances around nervously with its huge eyes and looks about ready to cry out for help.

WHAT DO YOU DO?

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“Congratulations!” The slightly tipsy hobbit grins and salutes you with his martini. “On Retrieval Team 43’s inaugural mission! I’m so excited for you, I’m sure you’ll do fantastic!”

You are all seated around a table in the corner at Lucy’s Basement. It is dimly lit and fairly noisy. The walls are covered in red velvet curtains, and the tablecloths have little gold tassels. A cloud of purple smoke from candles, cigars, and pipes hangs in the air. Waiters bustle between tables refilling drinks.

“So to recap, the Benefactor has tasked you with retrieving the five fabled Ginnarak Crystals. I, Blavin Blandfoot, will be your case manager. You will be paid handsomely for each crystal you retrieve. And if you retrieve all 5, you’ll get to meet the Benefactor at be their guest at their glorious mansion!”

“The first crystal has been spotted near a Gnomish dig site in the Tammineaux Forest, just east of here.”

“I recommend getting started right away!” He polishes off his drink and squints at his empty glass. “Well, maybe first thing in the morning. Waiter!”

• Who are you?
• What role do you think you will fill on the team?
• What do you plan to do with your cut of the money?

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The Retrieval Team 70 gophers are absolutely losing their minds over the ed terminal.

“It just keeps printing a question mark!” Vest sobs.

“Try pushing escape?” suggests Shorts somewhat panicking.

“I’ve tried it! It’s not vi! It doesn’t do anything!” Vest moans. “Here you try it if you’re so smart!”

Sash is balled up on the floor crying, having already had a turn at the terminal.

Shorts carefully steps over them and timidly prods at the keypad.

A throng of beefy guard kobits come charging into the hall, alerted by the gopher racket.

“Here now! You’re not supposed to be in here!”

One of them trips over Sash, still balled up on the floor, and crashes into Shorts’s back, pinning them to wall. They squeal. Another guard grabs Vest by the collar, and after a brief scuffle all three gophers are escorted out of the hall despite their howls of protest.

“I had better check on the vault!” exclaims one of the kobits who remains behind.

They bang a few keys on the terminal and it spits out a slip of paper.

ed v1.6
19
P
*,n
1        the door is locked
*1s/locked/open
?
*H
no match
*1s/Locked/Open
the door is Open
*wq
17

There is a mechanical whir deep in the walls, and a click and a gasp of air as the door swings inward.

The kobit slips into the vault and the door swings only partly closed behind it.

The sword in the bottom of the pool pointedly narrows its eye at you.

The gods of Basmentaria observe passively from their reliefs in the alcoves around you.

The door to the vault is ajar, the first of the five legendary Ginnarak crystals presumably behind it.

From one of the twisty little passages, you hear a guard kobit approaching, singing a sad cowboy song to itself.

WHAT DO YOU DO

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Jarrod raises his right hand and begins adding a new rhythm to his beat by slapping his palm against his chest. The resulting beat sounds eerily like a galloping horse. Jarrod pushes his voice outward and upward, directing his vocal energy at HORSE.

"A mighty steed did carry our hero through forest, hill and town:
 A comely beast with silky mane and smooth and supple hide.
 One would think that such a stallion needs must have renown,
 But only our dear hero understood, and so did ride."

Jarrod subtly adjusts the rhythm to a fast, regular beat.

"Lightning of the hoof!
 Fire in the eye!
 One with blowing wind!
 Strength of mountain high!"

Jarrod slowly calms the beat back down to a heartbeat with his left hand fingers on his thigh again. However, the right now rests close to Gertrude’s handle, at the ready.

"On fated day, our hero does require
 Underlings for which a task is set.
 And yet, this day the underlings and squires
 Have booked their time away from toil and fret."

While continuing the epic, Jarrod makes note of two options, should he need them:

1. Should he need, he can dive behind the giant clam; and
2. He eyes a path back out the vault, should he be able to draw the Aurs and Kobits out with him.

Jarrod keeps his eyes on HORSE, attempting to react to whatever HORSE brings.

HORSE gives a snort, a groan, and a sigh as the beat of the poem accelerates to a trot, and turns its subject to matters of its own interest. Namely, himself. HORSE likes to hear its own name, and it likes to hear people pay tribute to it with verse. Which is 100% what it thinks is going on here.

HORSE beats its wings a few times and then flaps over to where Jarrod is delivering his oration. It stands a little too close, basking in the glory of Jarrod’s verse.

There is now gathered at Jarrod’s feet three Aurs; one clumsy Kobit with untied shoe laces; and one naked, winged Kobit named HORSE.

The blue and gold, melon shaped crystal in the center of the vault has been left unguarded. It hovers, suspended, beneath its glass dome on top of its pedestal, revolving slowly in place. It looks like a weird tiny asteroid. The veins of gold in the stone pulse lightly with otherworldly energy.

Damn it Corraidhin thinks to himself, here I am yet again at the bottom of some insipid pool stuck by some random magical thing all because I didn’t pay enough attention in mythical history class. Bloody hell!

Good thing I paid attention in sorcery and yesteryears secrecry administrivia, this little sword won’t stay stuck for too long! My lungs if I bungle this though..

Corraidhin quickly invokes a spell with his spare hand, casting mystical runes with his hand.

sudo chmod -t sowrd_of_yam\'l
sudo chmod 775 sword_of_yam\'l
sudo chown corraidhin:party sword_of_yam\'l

That should do it corraidhin thinks to himself. If not I’m going to need to think quick, I’m stuck and there’s no way up without this sword. I might be able to transmute the water into air around me, but probably only a small pocket which will surely disappear in a gasp. Alternately I could try and blast my way down, creating a pocket for the water to flow into, but I’d be willing to bet I’ll hurt myself in the process..

You trace some watery runes, invoking Sudo to bend reality to your will.

The unschooled masses sometimes erroneously assume that Sudo is a deity in its own right. There’s a certain misguided logic to it: an invisible force that governs the relationships between entities, and infallibly predicts how they will behave? Certainly, it must be an all powerful, godlike entity.

You and your ilk, of course, know that there’s no more intelligence behind Sudo than there is behind gravity. No need to correct them though. Sometimes it behooves the mage to allow others to think that they serve an unfathomable arcane lord.

There is a dull underwater flash and a muted underwater bang, and you feel the sword slip from its stony clinch like a knife tearing through soggy bread.

You push up off the bottom of the pool and rocket to the surface, helped–surprisingly–by the sword, which remains glued fast to your hand, but which also rises above you as though somehow lighter than water.

You break the surface of the water and hear joyous laughter.

"Oh, yes! Well done, Hardy Bear! So very well done indeed! Oh, I had spent so long trapped at the bottom of that pool waiting for a new bear to come and free me. And now here you are! Oh, what a very good day this is. What a magnificent pair we shall be.

"Now, let's go stab some evil!"

You look down at the sword in your hand, and the eye twinkles at you, full of adoration and zeal.

A small wine pitcher splashes into the water next to you. It is attached to a thin hose, at the other end of which Inky sits on dry land, drinking a cup of tea. They wave.

Inky squints at the silhouette underwater, slightly distorted by the occasional ripple on the surface, trying to decipher the odd hand gestures and wisps of light coming from below. Why was Master Corraidhín repeatedly forming semi-circles with his finger, almost like … the handle of a teacup? Was it a request for tea?

After a pause, Inky rummages inside a bag and brings out a large porro and a long rubber hose. The porro is filled with a demi-tasse of black grapefruit pekoe from a flask and the spout plugged with an eldarberry-flavoured gummy pen nib. Inky strings together a handful of brass nuts with twine and ties it to the porro’s handle to act as a small weight, then affixes the hose tightly to the open top of the porro. Casting a slightly apologetic look in the direction of the water for a brew long since gone cold, Inky swings the hose and flings the drinking vessel into the pool towards Master Corraidhín, watching for a moment as the porro sinks down into the water to hover near his arm. The other end of the hose is tied securely to a narrow rock on one side of the pool with more twine, the end sticking up in the air like a wiggling snorkel.

Inky returns to crouching near the vault entrance and looking inside another small pouch for fresh tea leaves. Waiting is thirsty work!

You cast an improvised lifeline to the floundering wizard, and find a cache of very fine fermented tea leaves wrapped in waxed paper that you left for yourself at some point in the past. How thoughtful and considerate of Past You!

From your vantage point, the sleepy guard Kobit still shows no sign of stirring. And Jarrod has a throng of captive beasts listening very intently to his stirring, epic poem. HORSE in particular seems to be gaining some kind of physical sustenance from the words, snorting and whinnying and beating its wings with each new stanza.

If you can slip through the doorway without disturbing them, there will be nothing between you and the now vulnerable Ginnarak Crystal.

WHAT DO YOU DOOOOOO

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As the blahoblins were packing up, Inky persuades Waistcoat to sell a few small bottles of shoe polish, a roughly round piece of broken glass and scraps of cheesecloth from the mountain of debris previously on the ground. Inky rolls Do Anything 1 and rolls a 4.

Inky successfully persuades Waistcoat to sell a few baubles and trinkets with the first roll of the game!

They haggle back and forth a little bit, and Inky ends up paying a little more than they wanted to, but they get all the stuff they wanted. Yay commerce!

Having concluded business, the blahoblins pack up and disappear into the bushes toting their chair, cheese, and vat of polish.

The sound of mechanical droning and periodic explosions compel you forward to the dig site.

It is easy to find.

It is a large hole blasted deep into the ground. There are drills, and conveyor belts, earth moving machines, and all kinds of gadgets and gizmos, the purpose of which is not always readily apparent. And there is a zip line that seems to be the only way down to the bottom.

The site is absolutely teeming with gnomes. Diminutive humanoids with bright red noses and long, long ears, and long, nimble fingers. All gnomes are compulsive tinkerers and mechanics, and build fantastic contraptions. All gnomes are women, and are all highly explosive. Which makes their combustion powered machines extremely dangerous, both for themselves and for any unfortunate bystanders close enough to get caught in the blast.

A gnome in a white hat comes running up to you. “You there! Hey! Yes, you!”

“Are you the retrieval team? We’ve been expecting you! The whole dig is halted because we accidentally blasted into a whole nest of Kobits, and they won’t let us get near to keep digging! They keep sabotaging our machines when we try!”

“They also stole the Ginnarak Crystal that we found! That thing could have powered such glorious new machines!” She pouts.

In the background, a gnome who had crawled half way into a coal bin in the side of some kind of excavator suddenly scrambles quickly out, smoking, and runs around in circles in a panic. Nearby gnomes dive out of the way as she erupts in a small ball of fire. The gnomes wait for the smoke to clear and then immediately return to working on the contraption.

The foreman continues talking to you as though nothing happened. She leads you over to the edge of the hole and points to the bottom.

“The entrance to their cave is right down there! The zip line is the second fastest way down.”

WHAT DO YOU DO

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Once Corey the Kobit exits the antechamber, you are free to look around a little bit.

The eyesword continues to watch from the bottom of the pool, and the Kobit Ed terminal continues to await you by the vault door.

But also you notice a couple of alcoves along the walls between the twisty little passages. Each of them holds a relief sculpture depicting one of the three deities of Basmentaria.

There is Neddas, the wise god of sages and starlight. Androgynous, clad in purple robes, depicted with a golden third eye in the middle of their forehead. They are shown here stoically bestowing gifts upon the inhabitants of Basmentaria.

And here is Nullar, god of time and tides. A bespectacled male figure with a golden third eye on his forehead. He is dressed in a dapper vest and bow tie, and is adorned with small cogs and gears. He is depicted here looking up at the stars from a mechanical contraption he is working on.

Finally, there is Liandt, goddess of war and flame. A primal, elemental deity, she is depicted as a fiery warrior with a golden third eye. The relief shows her on the battlefield during the Artifice wars. The wars which reduced Ginnarak to the wastes of cinder and ash that they are today. The wars which drained Liandt’s divine energies so thoroughly that she fell into a deep sleep and has been absent from the mortal realms ever since.

But enough of this lore dump! There is something important happening!

You hear a shuffling and a mumbling approaching from one of the twisty little passages.

You’re already in one of the alcoves studying the relief, so your press yourself flat into the recess.

Three gophers with smoked glass goggles spill out from one of the passages. Retrieval team 70! They made it past the egre after all!

They don’t see you, but head straight to the keypad by the vault. They crowd around it and start pressing buttons, arguing and bickering with one another.

The sword at the bottom of the pool seems to roll its eye in exasperation.

WHAT DO YOU DO?

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Jarrod wanders into the vault. Spotting the Aurs and the Kobits, a slow grin starts to spread on his face. Taking a deep breath in, he gestures grandiosely around him and booms: “Ah! Come gather round! Hear a tale of Triumph! Of Heart! … Maybe even a bit of Nirvana!”

He saunters over to the giant open clam and poses grandly nearby. His eyes sweep across the Kobits, attempting to catch the eyes of each one, as he begins to tap the fingers of his left hand rhythmically against his thigh, mimicking a heartbeat.

"Our tale begins with a hero, though one not oft recognized,
 Weaving bureaucratic mysteries across parchment with zeal,
 Though held to account, and by all accounts terrorized,
 By small minded yes-men with power and zeal!

 Yes, our hero of sorts did not act and avail,
 He gave others their tasks to be done.
 No pleasure he gleaned from the mop or the pail,
 And yet here we begin with the fun!"

Thus has the epic begun, and Jarrod is pushing the rhythm of the words hard, attempting to draw all eyes and ears to himself.

Broad-chested, olive-skinned Jarrod launches into the epic, flanked on one side by a giant clam and on the other side by a suit of armor.

The aurs, enraptured, immediately flutter down to rest at his feet to listen to the poem.

The one Kobit that tripped over its own feet rolls over where it lays on the ground and listens with naked admiration.

The naked, winged Kobit rouses from its sleep at the noise with a groan. It grouchily rises to its feet, flaps its wings a few times, and soars up into the air.

“My name,” it cries out, “is HORSE! BhrruUHRHUuHRRh! Behold my majesty! BrUHrhHHHURHuRu! You shall not steal my blue and gold, melon-sized gem! BhrruUHRHUuHRRh! I have such beautiful WINGS!”

The aurs and the clumsy Kobit all start to fidget as Horse’s outburst threatens to break the spell of Jarrod’s captivating oration.

“Excellent!” Corradihin whispers to Inky nudging her gently as he does. “It looks like Jarrod has the Kobits covered, I’m gonna make a break for the sword, I’m decently, somewhat, sort of positive that it’s the legendary sword of Jason. But if I’m wrong and it’s cursed watch my back. I might need a quick save.”

Corraidhin makes a step forward, “Oh and Inky, if Jarrod’s distraction goes awry, shout, I’ll come in fireballs blazing. I highly suggest a rapid retreat if it comes to thay.”

Corraidhin darts towards the sword scrambling over the terrain while the actions on the vault. As he approaches the sword he asks the sword if it wouldn’t mind coming along for a bit of adventure, and he grabs it by the hilt.

Corraidhín wades resolutely into the pool. The water rises up to his knees, his hips, his shoulders, and finally he dives under about 10 feet to the bottom of the pool. The eye of the sword stares at him with great intensity as he descends.

The mage reaches out and firmly grasps the hilt.

You feel a jolt, and the eye rolls back in its socket.

You yank on the sword and it budges not one bit. Not one iota!

You go to adjust your grip. But your hand is stuck fast! Glued to the hilt of the sword!

You look up at the surface of the water, some 10 feet above.

You look down at the sword that refuses to release you.

You look more closely at the pattern on the hilt. Egads! Why did you not see it before? The pattern is neither whirly nor swirly at all! It is in fact kind of spacey and indented.

This is not the legendary Sword of J’son! It’s so obvious! How could you have been so mistaken! This is none other than the infamous Sword of Yam’l. Yam’l is of course a superset of J’son, so it is an easy enough error to make. And perfectly harmless in an academic setting. It is however a costly miscalculation to make while glued to a sword at the bottom of a fountain.

You lungs start to burn a little bit, and you hear a spectral, burbling, significant whitespace voice in your head as the sword makes intense eye contact with you:

---
name: Yam'l
conditions: {"stuck": "true", "sticky": "true"}
greatest desire: stabbing
...

And then an expectant pause, as though the sword eagerly awaits your reply.

Inky watches Master Corraidhín make his way towards the creepy sword with two drams of admiration and a tiny dose of apprehension. Taking out a small wrench, a pouch of nuts and bolts, along with some gum twine, Inky crouches near the vault archway, listening in a little on Jarrod’s epic tale about the unsung hero of sanitation while occasionally looking into the pool.

Inky, from the best seat in the house, hears Jarrod launch into an epic poem, and also the beating of leathery wings and a mighty whinny and a neigh.

They also watch Corraidhín dive to the bottom of the fountain, and then thrash about a bit with one hand on the hilt of the eye sword.

WHAT DO YOU DO

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“And jolly good polish too, it looks like,” Inky replies, squinting a bit at the ichor being smeared onto the boots in Earrings’ large calloused hands. “I hear there be some gnomes hereabouts? A camp? With your remarkable service, I bet they’d be coming to you all the time to get their boots cleaned.”

“GNOMES!?” Earrings interrobangs loudly and questioningly. It brings its hands to the sides of its face, covering its ear holes, and wags its oversized head in dismay, squeezing its tiny eyes shut. In the process, it smears polish around its face.

“Gnomes there!” shouts Waistcoat. Its hands busy polishing, it tosses its head, gesturing with its prodigious proboscis in the direction you were heading. You continue to hear bangs and booms in the distance every once a while.

Glarg gurgles something to the effect of “gluggurguuuurglaaaachhhh?” Its stance is one of surprise as its disposition changes to that of inquisition as its head cranes down to look at the blahoblin carrying the smelly rock on its back.

Teeth looks questioningly up at Glarg and experimentally gargles back up at it. “GURGLE BURBLE GLUG GLUG?” It smiles apologetically (a fearsome sight, its protruding jaws full of tiny pointy teeth) and shrugs and asks, “Shoe shine?”

It attempts to pick that whole blahoblin up and bring the smelly rock to its face for a closer inspection.

“WAAAAAAH!” Teeth kicks its feet ineffectively and is quite helplessly tied to the big smelly rock when Glarg picks it up. The smelly rock smells pungent, sharp, earthy, moldy. Definitely could be food.

By this time the blahoblins have polished the shoes of everybody who has consented to it, and are packing up. Except for Teeth who is being detained by the earth elemental.

Red Shoes reappears from wherever they have been this whole time with a sly smile and rejoins its comrades.

Your pockets have successfully been picked while you were distracted with the shoe shine, but not of anything of particular value.

What small item(s) will you notice is missing in the hours and days to come? How will its absence be a minor inconvenience?

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