2023-01-06 16:21:57 +00:00
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---
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layout: post
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title: "README: depressive episode"
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slug: "readme-depressive-episode"
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date: 2023-01-06 10:15:09
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categories: [personal]
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---
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Hello, and welcome. If you've been handed this README, then you're likely
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interacting with me while I'm experiencing a depressive episode. I've written
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this README on some ways you can help (if you're so inclined) and some best
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practices for interacting with me.
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## About (my) depression
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I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder (MAD) with a generalized
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anxiety disorder (GAD) component. I'm under the care of doctors and counsellors
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who are aware of the diagnosis and prescript appropriate medicines and
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therapies. Despite this, I still have regular depressive episodes. These
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episodes can have obvious triggers, but often they don't. They generally occur
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about once every three months and last one to four weeks.
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During an episode, I experience:
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- lack of energy
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- difficulty concentrating
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- difficulty talking and articulating points
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- cognitive blunting (also called brain fog)
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- anxiety symptoms
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- an impending sense of doom
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When I was younger and untreated these symptoms were worse and were sometimes
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coupled with suicidal ideation. Thanks to treatment, this is extremely rare
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today, and when I'm feeling this way, I will tell someone.
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## How you can help
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Of course, my mental health is not your responsibility. This guide assumes
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you're a friend, co-worker, manager, or family member who is likely to interact
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with me during this episode. These are suggestions and requests, not
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requirements. The most important thing I can ask, is **be kind, gentle, and
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understanding**.
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### if you're a coworker or manager
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2023-01-06 16:33:30 +00:00
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I'm generally going to be less productive when I'm depressed. I may call off
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2023-01-06 16:21:57 +00:00
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work (sometimes explicitly for mental health, other times as a general "not
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feeling well.") I'll likely be less engaged in meetings and may have my camera
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off in video meetings. I may request to reschedule 1:1s. I'll be less likely to
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volunteer to facilitate a meeting. I may appear less engaged or more
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distracted. I'll likely be slower to respond in chat or email.
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The best things you can do are:
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- check in and ask me how I'm doing
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- ask about how my current project is going (often this helps dispel some of
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the fear and doubts that build up during an episode)
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- provide encouragement or positive feedback where appropriate
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- postpone non-urgent constructive feedback until the episode has passed
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- share this manual with other people who have noticed something is "off" about
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me
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#### on absenteeism
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In _very rare_ circumstances, I will be AWOL (away without leave) from work. If
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that's the case, especially if you're my manager: first, I sincerely apologize,
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second, you're welcome to call me and confirm what's going on. Calling is
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better than e-mail in this case, as I'm likely not checking my e-mail. When I
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return to work, I will talk to my manager and confirm what happened, back date
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any requests for sick/personal days, and accept any disciplinary action.
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### if you're a friend or family member
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When I'm depressed, I'm more likely to temporarily "ghost" people (i.e. not
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respond to their texts/e-mails). Please try not to take this personally, this
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is a fear response. I often _will_ respond eventually, and regardless _do_ want
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to hear from you. You're welcome to resend your message. I won't take this as
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being pushy or clingy, but rather as an act of compassion to try to reach out
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while I'm not feeling well.
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2023-01-06 16:33:30 +00:00
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I may miss scheduled appointments/dates/etc. I'll do my best to cancel as far
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2023-01-06 16:21:57 +00:00
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in advance as possible, and I likely _do_ want to reschedule when I'm feeling
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better.
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Some things I find helpful from friends during an episode:
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- casual phone calls. I'm less likely to check my texts/e-mail during an
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episode; you're welcome to call spontaneously
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- invitations to low-stakes outings (e.g. walks, casual lunch, mani-pedi)
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- words of affirmation
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## Conclusion
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Thank you for taking the time to read this README. If you have any questions,
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you're welcome to ask. Mental health disorders, their causes and symptoms, are
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an ongoing field of study. Items I've listed in this manual as helpful to me,
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may be harmful to other people with depression. If you have friends or family
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members who are struggling with depression, talk to them about how you can be
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most helpful.
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**If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide, there is hope, and you do not
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have to go through this alone. You can find a hotline to call in your country
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at https://blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/.**
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