Pheng Heong TAN
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diary.html
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diary.html
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and reconciliation to G!D - for G!D knows and I do not know who or where or how or what G!D chooses to <strike>pour</strike>
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and reconciliation to G!D - for G!D knows and I do not know who or where or how or what G!D chooses to <strike>pour</strike>
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breathe
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breathe
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His Spirit into. <br/>
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His Spirit into. <br/>
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And as an advance: worship me not - do not worship me. I am a servant of G!D, just like you. Worship G!D
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And as an advance: worship me not - do not worship me. I am a servant of G!D, just like you. Worship G!D. I am nothing without
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the Anointed One, Jesus, who calls himself the Son of Man, as the branch is nothing without the vine - or, as the leaf is nothing
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without the tree.
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</p>
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</p>
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<p>
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<p>
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it is the seventeenth day of the third month of the 105th year since a nation was publicly recognised<br/>
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it is the seventeenth day of the third month of the 105th year since a nation was publicly recognised<br/>
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It's the twenty-third day of my challenge to eat vegetarian for forty days.
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<br />
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I went to a gathering where people talked about Christianity. At the end, I wondered, aloud, what kind of person
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G!D is. I said in the group discussion that I can't open my heart easily to Him, and told those people in the small group
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that I am of the kind who are more suspicious. Afterwards, a <strike>woman</strike> person in the group came up to me
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and said that she sensed yearning and a lot of resistance in me. She also showed me a quote by Joseph Campbell, which
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went: 'the greatest treasures are in the caves that you fear most to tread'. She asked me how I was feeling. I told her
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I felt thankful for the opportunity for discussion. I don't think that covered the depth of my feelings.
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I am angry. I feel anger towards G!D. Where was He when I was hurt, upset or forced to do things [under oppression]?
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How can the people at the discussion talk about G!D's plan for me, when He feels distant?
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I feel naked. I feel like the outcast of the group in a reality show [on television], unable and unwilling to join the
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group in their comfort, solidarity, trust and security in the group. I feel left out. I feel lonely. Most of all, I
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feel afraid. I feel afraid to trust again in someone, something or G!D himself. I feel very vulnerable.
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I went to a <strike>psychiatric</strike> mental-health institution to seek help, attention and resolution. I expected
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liberty, but I experienced coercion and oppression [even when I was finite in resources and energy, that is,
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more precisely, needy, as in one of the needy or poor]. I learnt that I could not leave the ward at Acme Institute,
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even if I wanted. [the name of the institute is masked, or anonymised - Jesus said: 'Be merciful, as your Master, who bought you for a price,
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is merciful]. I learnt that the doctor, people who spent time with me previously (who said, "I am your father" and
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"I am your mother"), and the social worker decided where and when I would stay and/or leave the ward [in the sense that
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their approval, or authorisation, or their company, was required, for those to happen, as I had observed]. I was
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pressured into taking <strike>medication</strike> by nurses, despite my
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wishes to not consume them;
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I was threatened with an indefinite incarceration in the hospital.
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although i wanted to leave, I could not. how can people
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say G!D has s plan for me when G!D feels so
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far away as I went through that?
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<i>from the writer: as the Quran says, even the prophets
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and the fellow who were with them, cried out,
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'our Lord 1 where are you / verily, verily, the mercy of g1d is near 1'
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</i>
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Can somebody tell me that was G1D's plan for <strike>me
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</strike>
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sure?
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the remark that gave me the greatest emotional impact
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was that G!D loved me unconditionally.
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<strike>
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It felt like a hand
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</strike>
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<i>from the writer: 'wipe the tears from your eyes. be dismayed
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no more. For I, the LORD G!D, have struck
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you in anger, for your sins were flagrant,
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but you- you- I will have compassion
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on you. You belong to Me, O Israel,
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though I have scattered you into
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distant lands and nations, and you
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were stricken. You belong to Me,
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and you will be with Me for-ever. <br/><br/>
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Praise be to G!D. I praise You,
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for You have shown lovingkindness,
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even to a poor spirit, a lowly heart,
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a wretch like myself.
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<br/>
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Burst into song, mountains! <br/>
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Tap-dance, trees! <br/>
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Glow and flare, o stars! <br/>
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For the LORD G!D hath redeemed for Himself
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a daughter, a son, a nation, a city!' <br/><br/>
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(what? would you rather G!D take angels for
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daughters, and cherubims for sons?)<br/><br/>
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Praise be to G!D (thank you, Daddy)
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<br/>
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Wipe your tears from your eyes.
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Do not be dismayed. <br/>
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Gardens of bliss, under which rivers
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flow, spouses delighting in each other,
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the objective of life, the felicity most high,
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absolute beauty, supreme over all other felicity,
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for the good pleasure of G!D, the Cherisher
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and Sustainer of the Worlds. <br/>
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Thou art my shepherd;
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I shall not want. <br/>
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I know no other Rock.
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There is none like You.
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I know no other Stone.
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I know no other G!D. <br/>
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Blessed is He who hath given rest to His
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people. May all nations come to know
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that our Lord is G!D, and that there
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is no other G!D other than He, and that
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G!D is our G!D. To G!D be to the glory
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for-ever and ever. Amen. (so it is). <br/>
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</i>
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<strike>It felt like a hand, gently being placed against my
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heart.</strike>
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It felt like a piece of cloth being thrown against
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my face. 'You don't have to earn that love,' that person
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said. What if that was true? How can I trust G!D
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not to hurt me? How can I trust G!D to not leave
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me on my own? How can someone say, 'If you believe in
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G!D, you will go through suffering' so matter-of-factly?
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I don't want.
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Why does G!D make me suffer? If He is there, why does
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G!D allow people to suffer? Very briefly, I also
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wonder how we can end suffering, G!D or not.
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G!D. what will You do with me if I open my heart
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to you?
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Who gave me food, shelter and clothes when I was
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looking for them?
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<i>
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from the writer: 'I, the LORD G!D, have forgotten
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your sins, and remember them no more.
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as I said in the days of Noah after
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the flood, I will not again cause
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another world-destroying flood.' <br/>
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"I promise
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I will never stop doing good to her, and remind
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her to fear me, and keep my commandment," saith
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G!D, the Lord of lords, and King of kings.
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<br/>
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(O LORD, our Father, you are the potter, we
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are the clay; we are all the work of Your hands)
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<br/>
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I will never tire of praising G!D<br/>
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I praise You, oh LORD, for I am fearfully
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and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful;
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that I know full well.
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</i> <br/>
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<br/>
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[Who gave me food, shelter and clothes when I was
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looking for them?]
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I needed those. Is it G!D? Is G!D there?
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What does G!D do to people? I felt resentful towards G!D;
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I'm not sure if I still do.
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<i>from the writer: the end of a thing is as powerful
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as its beginning. and the patient in spirit is superior
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to the proud in spirit. (as written in Scripture)
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<br/> I love you, G!D.<br/>
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G!D hath no begotten son,
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and has no beings attached. (as written in Scripture
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that some call "Quran")
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I
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</i>
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</p>
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</p>
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</body>
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</body>
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